Thoughts for the Weekend

Everywhere - As our readership grows, we'd like to welcome our new guests and remind them that the only purpose of the news is to scare the living sh*t out of you, followed closely by selling stuff.

With that in mind, we'd like to take your news to its extreme, finding calamity in every written word. Please feel free to browse through our archive or check out our search engine and laugh along with us. Because something's gonna kill you, just don't let it be fear.

Second Coming of Anti-Christ Scores Perfect on ACT, SAT

Wichita, KA - A seventeen year old Bishop-Carroll High School senior pulled off what was thought to be a near impossible feat: perfect ACT and SAT scores after two near-perfect previous attempts.

"I figured why not go for perfection? Sorry about the brimstone stench," said Beelzebub's son as various animals fled from his presence and locusts swarmed nearby.

His earthly parents couldn't be more proud, and worried, about the son of Satan's future. "Being devout Catholics as we are, we couldn't be happier our son is smart. Unfortunately, this clearly means he is to be the second coming of the Anti-Christ and when Jesus returns to earth, they will have a final battle for the salvation of our souls. But, hey, he'll be able to get into any Ivy League school he wants!"

Biblical experts have warned that it won't be blood thirsty demons that wipe out civilization, rather, brainiacs who possess such intelligence as to "make everyone's head explode and die" and this lucky teen will be their leader.

CalamityNews would like to extend it's congratulations to the new Dark Lord and remind him that our growing readership can add to his minions. Please don't kill us.